Useful tips for Madrid nightlife

1. Being American is like being the golden snitch. As soon as they hear those Anglo-Saxon words come out of your mouth, expect to be as popular as Obama or the McDonald's emblem. Don't ask me why, maybe they just know we are as superior like we already know we are.

2. Be prepared to be overwhelmed by the amount of beautiful men. Now this city is not for the frumpy people of the world, 8 out of 10 boys could be doing an Armani campaign at this moment. What are the Spaniard people doing to create such physically beautiful people? Unfortunately, the other 2 of the 10 boys will be ugly, but that won't stop them from creeping on you countless times, just because you happened to glance in their general direction for a split second.

3. Get ready to smell like sweat/smoke/sin/alcohol. I thought I had some idea of how to party, but apparently by small town ways are as conventional as the pony express. We got to Kapital around 12:30, a decent party hour most people would say. I guess we Americans have a different idea of late, most people didn't get there till at least 1:30. Just be aware if you want to actually see people at the club you should arrive no earlier than the time just stated. Another tip, If you want to look cool you HAVE TO dance with a cig in one hand, and your preferred alcoholic beverage in the other. I can't even tell you how many times I got burned by the end of a cigarette when I was dancing.

4. Have enough stamina to dance until 5:30 in the morning. If you leave at three you might as well not even show up. Luckily by that time you forget all about the fact that you feel like a homeless man that's been rained on. Side effects include: glazed eyes, incoherent thoughts, willingness to do anything for a bed, bad breath, and if you're lucky, a regretful decision.

5. Avoid looking like you've been run over by the end of the night. Even if you don't consume any liquor, you still manage to feel slightly hungover the next day. Don't expect to leave the house the following day, so you can burn your clothes and maybe get a toxic shower. Will I ever do this again? I've already picked out my outfit for next weekend.